| i'm out. |
[April 20, 2009 @ 10:46pm] |
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mood |
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i know i haven't been much of a blogger for several years now...i guess i actually have a life that requires a lot of time now. anyways, you probably won't ever hear a peep out of me on here from now on so you may as well email me or go to my deviantart which is the closest thing to my "online" updates now.
hmm... well, it's been nice knowin ya.
see u if i do.
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| baptism |
[March 11, 2009 @ 12:27am] |
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mood |
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music |
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Stellar Kart - "The Right One" |
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i'm getting baptised next sunday. finally. i can't believe i actually was blinded by the enemy's lies all this time up til i made the decision... i mean, i always wanted to get baptised, but i kept having the mentality that "why should i have to prove my faith to anyone?" and stuff like that. well, that's exactly the lie. it isn't about proving anything to anyone. in fact, if anything, it's between the person getting baptised and God alone! It's the heart of the person getting baptised and their true intentions, it's being obedient to the commandments He gave to His believers, so that He would be well pleased in us to give us so much more abundantly...
anyway, i'm glad my eyes were opened to the truth. 
so, i've really changed since i rededicated my life to Christ 2 years ago... in fact, at this point in my life, i'm not afraid of what anyone thinks of my faith and what my family would even say. So, with that said, i actually invited my family to my baptism because it's a big deal to me and i want them to be part of it. more importantly, i want to give them a chance to experience God firsthand and not just see Him through me and what He's done in my life. I am really believing that God will open their eyes and heart...maybe it won't be an immediate thing from this day, but at least it's an experience my whole family can be part of. I do feel a little sad though because i know even my mom never really took God seriously. When Andy invited us to New Hope she never changed...she just pretended to. :(
it's a little scary actually. now that i think about all the people.. so many people will be witnessing my baptism. it's kind of weird to think that a lot of them i've been with since New Hope, and then there's a lot of them who haven't. Some will be people I've had hard feelings towards just because of the experiences i've had with them. Some will be people I call my closest friends or just old friends. Some are going to be people I don't even want to be there - because I know they don't really care - and some are going to be unexpecting people or people who heard the rumor that i'm getting baptised.
i invited mandy. not that i want her to be there... i just did it cuz it was the right thing to do. by "right" i mean that she took me into her home when i didn't have any safe place to go, and she witnessed my change and my turning away from my past life - so it would only be right to invite her, and wrong to not - though i don't want her there because since she's taken my daughter away from me and gotten rid of me, it's obvious that she doesn't care about what's going on in my life. I don't care if she doesn't care, and i'm happy to live far from her because she really is in bondage to evil things she can't even understand. She's full of hate I think. I always hear it in her voice. She's just such a bitter person, it almost scares me that she has my daughter. No wonder Alex and Wes turned out the way they did. Whatever...
And Alex is the other unwanted person who will be there probably. I could care less what has changed about him since 2 years ago when we separated... the last time I saw him was last Sunday and I caught a glimpse of him actually smiling and laughing like a normal person. He was actually being social and he didn't look like a bitter person hurting on the inside like he usually does. Hurting... maybe that's a poor choice of words. Ugh... I don't even want to continue talking about him to be honest.. we are polar opposites and I can't see us ever being even friends. Besides, I'm having a hard time connecting with people that don't take Jesus seriously. They're everywhere, and they're all the new friends I've been making - not a one has faith like me and the friends from church, and they all have their minds set on things of this world that i've learned have only hurt me - but what am i to do but bear my cross and walk it out?
God called me clear as a bell to go back to school. I'm here. I'm doing what He said. This is it, right? Something amazing is going to happen and I just don't have a clue yet. It's gonna be greater than I ever imagined. How do I know? Because I never imagined living with such a wonderful family like the Clarks, being closer to work, actually being able to eat healthy, and going to school all at the same time....yet God has supplied all those things and more to me!
There's one last thing I hadn't touched upon... and that's the fact that I invited two opposing parties: the family, and the crawfords. neither know that the other will be there. the crawfords have my daughter, and my family doesn't even know about my daughter. so, i guess what everyone who does know i've invited both parties, is thinking that some really big arguments and fights might occur because of this. well, arguments and fights may be an overexaggeration. But there'll definitely be some tension if the two parties cross paths and things don't go smoothly...which is what I'm believing for. I have to lay this all out because apparently people think that this kind of stuff is easy or is something that never will have to be dealt with. Unfortunately for them, they're wrong. This is gonna play out no matter what:
1. I go to this church.
2. the crawfords go to this church.
3. I'm obviously gonna invite my family to my church at some point (like for this baptism)
4. they're obviously gonna have to run into my daughter eventually
5. why not now?
so why not now? well, idk. sure she's only a baby now. yah i guess if my dad did go overboard and decided that hurting an innocent baby was logical, then we all lose. but seriously, that's stupidity and i know my dad wouldn't do that. in fact, isn't it true that a baby softens everyone's heart?!? well, then surely it'll soften his if he did see her? besides, what grandfather would want to hurt his own grandchild?!? that's dumb. i will not give in to fear and stupidity you stupid devil!!!!
>_>
oh it's wednesday and i have no work (yay) so i need to wake up a little early and finish my sketches n stuff. i hate homework!!!! :'(
 opportunities:
1) illustrating for preschool kids' bible lessons
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| Writer's Block: Priorities |
[February 28, 2009 @ 11:47pm] |
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I think faithfulness is the most important quality in a significant other. Because looks fade, love grows, and everything else that could come in the package can also change over time. But faithfulness can stand time, I think. I really don't know...i'm too young to really know all that much about love. I would just hope that faithfulness would always be in my significant other. :\
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| Beautiful day |
[February 28, 2009 @ 10:36pm] |
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music |
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the sound of the laptop |
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Wow. I have so much to say right now, I don't know if I'll get even half of it out...
first, I had to expound on last entry:
* = About a year ago or maybe even 2, after i had received the fire of God and Holy Spirit, ended my bad relationship with Alex, and got right with God (or started to anyway), God told me distinctly to get rid of the things of my past that were holding me back from His righteous glory - my future in His hands - and it was a load of bad music I was listening to and even things I wasn't anymore. I had been into really bad music in my high school days, stuff that blasphemed God and was all for sinful nature, things I'd be very ashamed to be found with. I had kept these things in a box all this time (this is like over 5 years - I was saved in 2003, remember?)..but I kept them because I had greed and idolatry in my heart; I was greedy because I knew how much money those things all cost me and I made mammon an idol in my life by keeping those things just because of their worth in the world. My knees were bent to mammon and not God. I worshiped their worth in this world rather than in the spiritual, and that is enough to be ashamed of. So I realized that this vicious cycle needed to be stopped. It's been said more than a few times in my life recently that I can be greedy... I don't want to be greedy. I've seen so much so far that God's done for me, that I want to see what God will do when I finally give up the greed and this idol that's been part of my life for so long and never really knew was an idol to me.
This morning I saw my mom and it was a great morning with her. We got the FAFSA filled out, we talked, I got my storage bill in the mail, and saw some of my mom's photos she took on her camera, sent her the maplestory cursors so she could put them on her computer, and we went shopping at Payless Shoes and WalMart before I had to go to work. I got 2 new shoes that I've probably needed for a while (both have wedge heels and aren't the casual kind of shoes I sort of intended on getting... but that's ok, i want to look my age now so these shoes do that job). I got 2 new tops at WalMart that are the same style, but one is pink and the other is blue. I wanted new skirts but all I could find were miniskirts that looked like something pre-teens and teens would wear, and dressy skirts that didn't even fit me. :(
I finally made a BIG step in my communication/relationship with my mom. While we went to get something to eat prior to me starting work, I told my mom that I wasn't living with the Crawfords the entire time like she thought. I told her about how they got me into an apartment on my own and that when I lost my job(s) I still had the rent to pay which is why my debt was so much to the bank. She understood, and she didn't seem to be overbeared by all the news I gave her. I also felt led to tell her about the whole "One Ring" expidition - the reason behind it and the conclusion I've come to from it - and my oddly exagerating faith that has yet to let me down: the fact that I believe once I've been baptised God will bring me the car that I've been believing for.
I know most will say that this is crazy... believing that I'll get a car dropped out of heaven just for me because I got right with God and made my commitment official through a baptism. But that's where you got it wrong; God doesn't give because of works, obedience, or even sacrifice. He gives because He loves. It's mercy. It's grace. It's everything God. I've been believing for this car for over a year. I'm not assuming He's gonna give me the car because of a baptism or what I did to get right with His command to help me move forward... I'm counting on Him blessing me no matter what. I only did the things I've done because I love my God and want to do what I know in my Spirit to be righteous and pure and life-giving. I did it in obedience just as a child would do their chores in obedience, but with love and not spitefulness. Do you get me now?
Anyway... today was great. I dont' care what the world says about my faith, because I've seen my God come through all the times before for me and others, and I know that my faith is NOT crazy. Crazy? Crazy is to NOT have faith after so many miracles and blessings have been given that no person or devil could ever account for. Crazy is to turn your back on Jesus Christ just cuz you think his name is oversaid or overrated: that, my friend, is called envy...unless you hate, then it's hate. Either way, you know it isn't good, and you know that there's a matter deeper than that word inside you that's ticking you and making you not want to accept the truth. I am His witness. Get over it. There's more witnesses out there too, and it isn't the ones handing out stupid tracts or books explaining why Jesus is the Lord. It's real people like me who do the dirty work and tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Not to say that the other people are fake - or to take any credit where credit is not due - but I'm saying that if you think I'm fake you're off your rocker because I've just given way more testimonies on behalf of my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ than you can shake your fist at!
Well, I suppose I'll go now. I really should've started my homework now, but I guess my testimony is way more important than anything else...
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| fun! |
[November 19, 2008 @ 1:36am] |
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| God has it all under control...and I don't. |
[November 16, 2008 @ 7:33am] |
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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Big Daddy Weave - "Audience of One" |
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So, Friday morning came and I woke up bright and early for school - like 6:45am - to be there on campus at 11:45am. I thought I was off on a good start; I was able to finish my surrealist project the night before...after celebrating Angie's 35th birthday with Johnnie's parents at the Olive Garden. So Angie took me to the store so I could get some Gatorade for my trip to school. I was able to run into an "old friend" from RCC and talk to her for like 2 minutes, find out someone else has been an abortion addict, and told her I let my baby have life. Got out and it ended up being a very windy morning. I waited for the bus after Angie dropped me off at the stop. Almost an hour later, I'm barely to RCC Riverside, and I start to read Psalm 34 and pray in tongues just cuz i felt led to, and God gave me a word of knowledge!
"You left your project from last week at home" - I make a few calls, get worried that I won't make the best decision, get upset because I think Angie won't help me the way I want her to, then I realize that there's no point in worrying and getting upset because it was my fault anyways.
I waited til I got to the downtown terminal to take the bus back to Corona, and I realized that I wouldn't have enough money to go back to San Bernardino after getting my project from Angie, who offered to go to the house and meet me at the Corona bus stop to give it to me. And I thought whether I should ask someone for money, but never did, and again I realized I was belittling God by worrying like that. God has it in control! God knew what would be best for the situation and God had it all planned out! So as I passed some major streets, Angie calls saying that she's off Magnolia and Van Buren, and that she's waiting for me at the bus stop! Wow, that's a time saver, and that also meant I would get to go home and get the project and money I needed...
So I met Angie at the stop and we were on our way home. I was still fretting over nothing, however, and told her I thought I was gonna have a heart attack cuz I was so stressed. I knew I was going to be late, which meant no meeting Richard at 11:45am, and also meant that I wouldn't be getting problem #21 on my math (not a biggie), and also meant I would most likely be late to class - though I had no idea just how late - so anyway, I really didn't know just how much a blessing God gave me til I was on my way to Riverside once more with both projects.
As I sat on the bus contemplating what all happened so far, I realized I could totally count on God to make my timing be just right. I was hoping my timing would be like showing up just before or as class started (when other people are walking in also), but as time passed and I got to the stop at 12:30pm at downtown terminal, I realized that was not going to happen. So then I thought, and hoped maybe I'd show up when they go on break, and as it turned into 2:30pm I thought for sure I wasn't going to make it. I kept thinking maybe the teacher would have passed my table already, and maybe I'll show up as she's giving critique, or maybe I'd show up after roll was taken! nO. God still had it in control. As I walked to the building I saw a fellow classmate and asked if the teacher was in the class, and he said that they are on break!
Fast forward > > > class went well; made new friends, got good critique, and didn't miss a thing. And another Fast forward > > > I get to the downtown terminal and waiting for the bus to corona some weirdo guy tries to hit on me! For the first time in my life, I actually walked away!!! Wow. That was Christ in me taking power of the situation. I am really happy that I did that. I am really happy that it was as simple as walking away. This was a vital breakthrough moment for me! XD
Moral of story: God has it in control.
- - -
Last night: Angie's birthday party. I didn't celebrate with her. I was in my room doing my Color Theory homework due tomorrow. I'm a little sad that I didn't come downstairs once last night, and that I never said sorry, but I'm not so sure I need to. Idk. O__o
I have to leave for work in 15 minutes... One last thing: the spheres kinda like need to be redone T___T
and I hope that Travis didn't already go to the Getty museum cuz I'd like to be able to get his help on the project!
oh Travis is the quiet but really nice guy i sit next to in Color Theory :)
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| How Lovely |
[October 31, 2008 @ 12:09pm] |
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I sort of intended on taking picture of my artwork I'm turning in today... it's an illustration on Psalm 23 - and shows me following a glowing and sparkling butterfly that is flying towards Christ who awaits me at the end of the darkness. Well, to be honest, there'd be no way for me to even get it up here right now because I don't have my USB to transfer it. Anyway...
I'm rather hungry, to be honest, because I should be: it's 12PM and I won't have a break in class until almost 3PM. I should eat something... But I'm sort of addicted to the thought of being able to sit at a library computer and type this almost nonsensical entry that I have a hard time believing anyone even reads.
Alas, the life of Christ was not an easy one. In fact, living the life He lived is hard, and to follow Him in His righteousness and walk the very path He walked, with our cross, is not easy. Not just because the enemy is constantly watching us and maneuvering ways to get us off the path Jesus had made for us, but also because we have our life to live on earth in this world, and must abide by the laws of the land...to do that is just one reason it makes the walk with Christ a hard one...because we must make it a discipline, a dedication, and something we greatly cherish in our life. To live for the one who died so that we may have everything - SALVATION - is a dedication many are not willing to sacrifice. Even those who dearly want to live the life God intended for us may stumble and get off track. James was a perfect example - he denied Christ 3 times! - but he got back on track, and he remained faithful to Jesus. How many of us are willing to give up the things of this world to do what God knows is best for us? How many of us are willing to take up our cross and walk the walk in faith? And that is why so many churches are watered down - because they believe saying that they believe is suffice to enter the Kingdom of God. It would be like saying that you have the key to God's courtroom, but without showing it. It even says in the Bible that faith without good works is nothing. To say you believe in Christ and not stand for Him would not be true faith. To say you believe in Christ and deny all He has done for you and deny all He stands for...that is not true faith. And moreover, I think it is shame that many have sacrificed His word that stands strong over all else, for the sake of what this world has deemed right. I am talking about this whole marriage thing. For a Christian to vote no on Prop.8 would be to deny the world of God. So many say that it is selfish and that trying to keep marriage for man and woman only is wrong because it is saying that anyone homosexual cannot have that right. But was marriage even a right?!? It was a holy gift from God and to top it off, we're not saying they cannot love each other. We are, if anything, supporting the fact that they could have marriage the right way - the way God intended.
And so I think I have gotten off my little soap box.. class is about to start soon, and I need to munch on something prior.
Well, not that anyone likes my artwork who is on here, but I'll try to remember to post my projects once everything is all wrapped up in a nice little box and topped with a pretty bow.
Tah tah.
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| ...like a nice, soft, warm blankie... |
[September 16, 2008 @ 10:40pm] |
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i'm so tired right now. i don't really know why. i meant to go to RCC to get my official transcript but ended up not even having my wallet on me this morning when I left for the bible study. umm i think i like already posted earlier about the bible study but anyway... i had just gotten back from young adults meeting an hour ago, or something like that, and we were going over the last of the "M" words - "Motives". To be honest, I was having a hard time concentrating; I was doodling the entire time because I felt like this was something I didn't need to be reminded of. Yet, there were some things that were mentioned that were very important and worth grabbing. Here's some of the things I thought were good pieces to grab a bite of:
"Motives always deal with the core of man; his heart!" - When motives are of flesh (our natural), we are going after the things of the world and not of God and it hinders our effectiveness in the things of God that is His will.
"The Lord searches the heart and tries the reigns." - Are we willing to allow God to take the reigns of our heart? He will not force us - He gave us FREE WILL.
Jeremiah 17:9-10 says the human heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked, who can know it. We must not be deceived by the wickedness of our hearts. We won't if we will allow the Lord to search out our hearts.
The hidden motives of the man must be recognized and purified.
- we won't be judged just for our actions but for our deeds.
- Motives + Actions = Deeds
(Matt 6:1-8, 1 Sam 16:7)
The heart has thoughts and intentions, these together form motives.
one of the questions in our study-guide/handout that I felt really applied to me because of some things I struggled with in the past, was this: "Are we motivated by desire to fulfill God's will or by some personal drive?"
the other questions to just give us a personal checkup were these:
1) Do we minister (or get involved in ministry) in order to serve or in order to be seen?
2) Are we addicted to the ministry of the saints (1 Cor 16:15) or do we want to be recognized as great ministers/leaders?
3) Do we minister out of a heart full of God's love?
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if you're interested in the discipleship lessons (this is one of them) that i'm talking about, i'd be glad to give anyone a copy...
---
on other notes, i'm having a hard time getting started on reading "The Shack" - it's just boring to me in the beginning. too much unneccessary words :( i wish it'd just get to the point. that's a good book for ya. >__<
---
my praise report: unexpected money came in and i plan to be up at the art school friday to take care of business. i hope to be taking classes in october! ^-^
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| DA Journal Entry |
[September 13, 2008 @ 10:53am] |
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music |
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"One World" - Toby Mac |
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Rainbow SWEET by =A-Little-Kitty on deviantART
cute... i wonder wut id look like in um A-Little-Kitty Style *u* heh i want to ask her to make me in her art. anyway...colors are pretty fun
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| is my layout too bright? |
[September 11, 2008 @ 12:23am] |
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...it's very bright, but i think it's nice color scheme. what do you think? :-\
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| The Heavens don't just Declare! |
[September 09, 2008 @ 11:42pm] |
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This is the strangest thing ever - recently - that I have witnessed!
Tonight I was thinking I should spend some quality time with God by spending some time outside tonight just gazing at His beautiful stars. But it has turned out to be a night holding a mystery I may never know until I meet the Lord!
So, you've read Revelations, right? And Genesis? You know how the three magi found Jesus' birthplace by a moving star? Well, I either found that star or I was seeing some heavenly creature that was posted at the doors of Heaven or just guarding the Heavens! I really don't know what it was... all I know is that it wasn't a star, it wasn't a man-made object that flies (because nothing can just stay in the same area for elongated periods of time without ever coming back down to refuel or whatever), and it wasn't a firefly or any other bug that I was imagining to be at star-level!
I watched this mysterious form float around for maybe 20-30 minutes... I saw it appear like a firefly or something strange like that, then I saw it transform into a shadow that appeared to be swimming - if anything could swim in the sky - from cloud to cloud. It moved like a diver, a fish, a sea-lion, and even maybe an angel or some other heavenly host. I would blink and look away and come back to it to make sure I wasn't just imagining all this.
wow... I wanted to spend time with God, but I didn't realize I would be discovering something of His divine creation like this! This is better than stargazing!!!
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| Thursdays are crowded |
[September 04, 2008 @ 11:21pm] |
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ready for sleep |
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So over the past few days I felt that God wants me to step up to the plate - this is the season - for working hard and begin seriously opening up to using the gifts He has given me. Because our dear Josh is stepping down from worship in the Young Adults ministry, a commitment he has been sticking with over the past 2 or more years, it is becoming evident that someone else is going to have to step up now. We've lost many of our younger generation in the young adults worship band because they are committed to our Youth groups now. There's really only a couple people I know who could possibly step up to the commitment from within our group right now: Jason, or me. Well, I really didn't want to even think about being the one to step up to such commitment, and not even because of being committed but because of my past ego problems. I know that was 2 years ago, and that God has really brought me a long way, but there was still this lingering fear of "what if" - like, what if I lose it and start having a stupid "oh look i'm the new worship leader" attitude... but again, looking at the facts, I'm able to discern things a lot better and quicker than I would've 2 years ago...in fact, i didn't even know how to hear God's voice 2 years ago and didn't even learn about discerning things until 1 year ago! So that in itself is some relief to me.
The real thing I'm trying to get at is that I've decided to make a commitment to going every Thursdays to the women's prophetic training and the evening worship band practice/guitar lesson. I know playing prophetically can be a really plus side, but I didn't feel that God called me to that in itself. In fact, I am leaving the decision to everyone else, just like I did with my new home. I'm just going to believe that if God really wants me to be the new worship leader for our Young Adults ministry, then it'll be decided by everyone else in the group without me even having to say a word. It should show by hard work and faith, right? Because good faith with no works is nothing, and just the same works without faith is nothing to the Lord!
...tonight I went to the guitar lesson at church and it was a lot more to me than just a good lesson; I got to know more about someone I've been going to church with the past 2 years. I got to have one on one time with someone so close to me who I've never gotten the time to really get to know better before. It was a blessing that I was able to spend my time the way that I did... and I did learn new skills with the guitar and a new chord : )
Angie likes my "The Bomb" sandwich ^-^ yay.
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cattoygirl's journal
uncomfortable
